Given mental health challenges, my reality is that most days, at least to start, are a struggle for me. I wake up, I’d rather not get out of bed, I’m not overly excited to start my day, I’m not exactly looking forward to whatever greets me or what challenges may lie ahead. I either have to work myself up to, or relax myself into the idea of the day before I even get out of bed. I call this process waking up slowly– it involves a lot of meditative-style breath work, clearing of my mind and energy, sometimes an emotional purge in the form of tears, and a promise to myself to start my day on the best foot possible. If I wake up, immediately get out of bed and start my day without acknowledging whatever I’m feeling, it’s usually a bad start to the day.
That said, I personally for whatever reason tend to wake up feeling anxious. This is something I’m very much working on but have yet to find my answer. There isn’t much concept of “waking up fresh” daily for me. I’m moreso in a constant loop, I just get breaks of unconsciousness and rest in the loop. I have a lot of resistance in me toward life and it’s obstacles, and I fully acknowledge it. I know it’s via both nature and nurture, and it’s also something I’m actively working on. I genuinely want to rewire my point of view so that I no longer see daily life as being loaded with obstacles facilitating this built-in resistance. It’s easier said than done.
It’s not that I have no lust for life, or no excitement for anything or just a really shitty outlook. I definitely do have passion for certain aspects of life and I do at times get breaks from feeling this way. It’s that given mental health challenges, even when well managed, still make every single day challenging in one way or another and my fervor can easily get buried underneath it all.
It’s like every day I wake up wondering– how am I going to stand tall today, find my happiness, balance, productivity, and so on? How am I going to only let in what I need and keep out what I don’t? Every day is this simultaneously new but old navigation of how to make it from start to finish. How to deal with the daily build-up to break-down, then finally levelling out. Consistency is few and far in between for me, albeit I try my best to maintain in the ways I know how.
But it’s also like being in a constant state of distress in one way or another. I’m forever saving face, feeling disruption, or suspended in fight or flight. It’s an “invisible illness”, so most don’t have any idea I’m even in this state, but it does show itself sometimes in things like my posture, my tone of voice, choice of words and communication, or the look on my face. It can appear in my lack of patience with the people and stimuli around me, my responses and reactions. I see and feel it on the inside all the time, but the above is how it tends to manifest itself on the outside.
I know anyone can be subject to a bad day or waking up in an off mood but I often wonder if most people have any idea what it’s like to wake up many days only wanting to get to the other side of the day so they can stop going before they’ve even started. Hoping and praying to just make it through the day and feel ok because feeling “good” is a bit too ambitious and at times just unrealistic. Wishing to feel ok enough to be productive and with-it enough to actually accomplish what you’ve set out to do for the day. I’ll reference the spoon theory here; every day how many spoons am I going to be lucky enough to start off with? And if I don’t have what I need, how am I going to manage and then also make up for lost time/productivity? I feel like I’m generally running to catch up. It doesn’t exactly help the anxiety.
This isn’t every day for me, thankfully. But so many factors weigh into it when most everything hits you really hard all the time. I’m a very sensitive being, and I seem to keep getting moreso as time goes on. Most things are too much for me most of the time. I don’t sleep well, I have some emotional or personal challenge, I’ve not taken good enough care of myself, I’m overloaded by my schedule or stimuli, then I shut down and there goes my mood, energy and productivity. There’s always this delicate balance to be struck, this homeostasis to maintain. It takes on an absolute physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual effect. Some days I can hardly maintain and regulate something as simple as my body temperature, let alone my mood, energy, appetite, reactions, sleep, productivity level, etc.
On the worst days daily life can end up boiling down to just getting done what was absolutely necessary, even if that’s only showering and feeding myself. There have been days where it’s been reduced to simply continuing breathing and existing and all my effort goes to just maintaining a state of what I’d call existential purgatory; it’s not good, but it’s not hell in a hand basket either. I can’t function, but I’m still here and tomorrow is a new day. I failed today but I get to try again. For the day I’m forced to set the bar lower and it ends up becoming a total reorganization of daily priorities based on whatever I’m processing and my capacity for handling what’s in front of me.
That said, I’m always finding my process. I’ve got my usual tools in my kit but every day I’m learning what may or may not help me get out of these spots and into where I want and need to be, and how to stay there. Clearly tears are a big one for me. I let emotionally at least a few times a week when I’m struggling, if not once a day, just to get stuff out of me. I’ve had to work hard to be ok with that because of my own emotional cognitive dissonance; it’s not cool to be overly emotional, but, I honestly don’t have a choice. Sometimes it’s my only outlet, it’s going to come out of me no matter what, and frankly it’s a damn effective one for me. I meditate A LOT. It often leads to crying. Self care is HUGE, listening to my body, being kind to myself when it comes to my feelings and emotional needs as opposed to viewing myself as high maintenance and beating myself up over it. I find myself constantly checking in with myself in an attempt to stay grounded and continue getting to know myself and my process. I’m always trying to stay objective about it and step outside of myself to not get too caught up in what’s going on inside. It’s a weird duality to exist under, honestly. At the same time I often wonder if I am really dealing with myself in the right way, which brings me to my next topic of self-care, medication and substance.
It adds another level when you bring substance into the picture. As much as I personally prefer to naturally dig myself out of any hole I’m in, I don’t always get to do it my way and so at times the need to medicate can be hard to avoid. Example: I’m experiencing so much anxiety I’m having to Xanax myself to sleep then coffee my way out of it in the morning. If I don’t sleep I can’t function the next day, I can’t get anything done. But if I take something to sleep I wake up feeling like a zombie and I can’t fully function. But if I drink too much coffee I get edgy and anxious. It becomes this viscous cycle of maintenance that’s hard to get out of and I’m really sensitive to substance– benzos, caffeine, alcohol, cannabis, you name it I’m a lightweight. It helps and at the same time throws a real wrench into my program to be simultaneously tired and wired.
They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so I hope that every day I’m garnering a little more strength and lesson learned out of my struggle. I hope I can pass that onto others and help by sharing my struggle. It’s the only silver lining to it really, because this kind of existence is a whole other level of being a “constant work in progress”. So many days of just maintaining and not truly enjoying life and being able to live it to the fullest.
Every day I’m always curious if all these other people existing around me have any idea what this experience is like. I can’t help but wonder how much more naturally simple and blithe and unadulterated others’ daily lives might be. Maybe they’re not, I don’t know. I only know my own daily struggle. Either way it doesn’t make me feel sorry for myself, it only makes me try harder and play the hand I was dealt to win.
Peace, love, and wellness.