I’ve seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s about a million times. And there’s this one line Holly Golightly says to her future lover, Paul, that speaks to me every time still:
Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
I’ve said it about a million times, upheaval in life is a trigger for me. Some people, things just bounce right off them, they’re able to roll with the punches and weather the storms. Then there’s me, surely like a lot of you, who is an absolute sponge and feels everything to the nth degree. At first it all just kind of blurs together and I think I’m managing alright, but then it hits me, the weight of it all. I step outside of myself and am able to realize the extent of exactly what I’m dealing with and how it’s becomes the mean reds.
That was my week last week and it took me down hard. I haven’t experienced a breakdown like that in over a year. I was truly afraid and I didn’t know what exactly I was afraid of. I woke up last Monday morning hysterical, out of nowhere. Hyperventilating, inconsolable, out of control, hiding in my bed, screaming into my sheets, with no answer to my hysteria. I’d totally lost myself, and over what? I realize I’ve flipped my life on it’s head changing jobs, working only part-time because I’ve made the decision to go back to school for my degree in social work, the addition of the newness of certain relationships, the old toxicity of others, fresh hell greeting me on what seemed like a daily basis at that point in one way or another, stress, grief, struggle. But sometimes that’s just life.
I had to do something, anything. So I did one of the things I feel I do best to get me out of these pickles: I wrote. I couldn’t meditate my way out of this, I’d been stuck in it for two days already, I had attitude about medicating when a friend came to me with all the love, Thai food, and Klonopin he had to offer (although I ended up backing down and taking his advice and medication by the middle of the week, and was utterly grateful for it), and I had by that point ceased to be functional. I can’t remember what day it was last week (As I’ve mentioned I have that natural mental protective mechanism that blocks out painful events and it’s details), but I just verbally vomited in pencil all over 3 pages of my school notebook (instead of doing my homework), and I’d like to share it with you in hopes that maybe some of it will speak to you, or maybe help you not feel so alone when the anxiety monster strikes. It came out of me in bullet-point fashion so I’m going to translate it here as such, in order.
- Anyone who doesn’t believe in anxiety has never truly experienced it.
- It’s crippling/all-consuming- A hurricane-like internal unstoppable shit-storm living in your mind, body, and spirit.
- Nothing matters.
- The mean reds, you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of.
- Meditation is the best drug there is.
- I’ve been to the ER twice for anxiety, with no insurance, absolutely worried for my safety, feeling my world crashing down on me.
- I often wake up with anxiety for no reason, it can strike out of nowhere, and I often go to bed that way, too.
- I have to work really hard to keep anxiety at bay. I meditate my way out of anxiousness at least 2x a day- I don’t always win but I can at least regain enough composure to carry on.
- It’s often a buildup, then a breakdown that sometimes just shows up out of nowhere and sometimes it’s because I know something before I actually know it (intuiting things).
- Do I accept it and give it love to quell it or do I fight it? Do I let it run its course, or medicate?
- You lose your grounding entirely. It feels like falling off a cliff and being stuck in mid-air waiting for the ground to come at you at full speed.
- You lose yourself, your self-control, and control of your mind. You think you’re dying and there’s no answer.
- Feelings of wanting to hide in bed, crying, shaking, wanting to jump out of my skin, coming unglued.
- I looked up the definition of panic: “sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behavior”.
- There’s a difference between a regular cry and an anxiety cry which involved uncontrollable hyperventilation, as well as the physical symptoms. There is no way to anticipate them.
- Why is severe anxiety a thing and what even is it?
- Do I learn anything from it? What?
- It’s so real when you’re in it, your mind and body have no idea it’s not.
- With depression you don’t just “get over it”, with anxiety you don’t just “calm down”. It’s impossible to get a grip.
- Pain and fear are often at the root in my experience, as well as stress, both mental and physical. Feeling overwhelmed with pain, fear, and stress, being caught in a negative feedback loop or full of unresolved emotion.
- Every day I get to start over, fresh.
- I try to remember I may not always win the battle but be mindful of what really matters in spite of the struggle- love, loving myself, all that I am, and blessing myself.
- What good can come from it? A reminder to slow down, to be kinder to myself, to love myself, to have gratitude for what is right in my life, to work through my issues, and not try to stifle them?
- Can anxiety be a call to action? A call to go deeper? To look inward and connect with myself? To listen and respond to things I might not have known I needed? A chance to sort myself out?
- A quote I reminded myself of- “If you’re depressed you’re living in the past, if you’re anxious you’re living in the future, if you’re at peace you’re living in the present”.
- Keep trying everything I know: The Ho’oponopono Meditation, the Mental Health Check-in Check List, The Serenity Prayer, go outside and let nature cleanse the filth, pick up your favorite hobby, surround yourself with positive people, express yourself through words, art, exercise. Anything to get you out of your head and distract you, but still be able to come back and deal with the anxiety at some point.
- The last thing I wrote down, because I’m forever a proponent of natural remedies is “Lithium Orotate“. It’s a naturally occurring element that can help relieve symptoms of anxiety without the side-effects of Benzodiazepines.
I have been able to slowly but surely see my way out of this episode and even have a revelation or two. Hopefully you can relate to some or any of this, and know that you’re not the only one who feels this way, and that there are solutions whether you deal with anxiety daily or occasionally.
Peace, love, and wellness.