This isn’t going to be eloquent…No matter how well your illness has been overcome on the whole or how well it’s managed on the daily, you’re still going to experience bad days. Simply being human dictates you will have off days at times. I’m no exception. I’d intended this blog to be about my project, and my past experiences as the anecdotes behind it. Given what I’m feeling today, especially in regards to my project, I’ve decided to just do what I feel with my blog. If I’m going to open myself and my life up to people in order to try and help them, then my current struggles should be relevant to my project as well.
That said, I’m feeling a lot of things today. Things where I can only overcome them though acceptance. This project isn’t moving as fast as I’d like it to. That falls on no one but me. So I’m feeling a lot of guilt, discontent, even sadness because in reality, given the resources I currently have, there’s only so much I can do. I work full time, I work really hard because I have to. No one hands me anything in life nor was I ever set up with abundant resources that allow me to freely pursue my passions.
When all that’s in your heart is the desire to set something good up to help people and you continuously hit road blocks, it gets a bit defeating. It weighs on you. You start to look around you at everyone else and feel almost destitute. All of this leads to frustration, which feeds into sadness which ultimately begins to steal me away from who I am at my core. Who I’ve worked so hard to uncover and embrace and who I know I truly am. That core being that I’m speaking of, she knows better than this.
Yet here I am. Struggling. This project is all I want to do. I just want to build a community of wellness, health, and empowerment. To create something that will change people’s lives for the better and every day I go about a career that I enjoy and pays the bills, but I just don’t give a shit about it. It gives me no freedom in almost all the ways. It does not fulfill me in most of the ways. It’s consuming all this time and energy I could be wholeheartedly devoting to my project. I could be essentially rocket-fueling my dream into a reality right now. But I can’t even seem to consistently devote the mental energy to getting a blog posted every week, let alone bootstrap and launch an entire public service outfit.
I’m not an entrepreneur, I have no idea what I’m doing, I just want to help people. I know I can, and that’s enough for me. It’s like being pushed up against a brick wall by a tenfold force of gravity then being repeatedly hit by tsunami waves. It hurts. I feel all the feelings. I want to burst. I want to loathe, cry, scream, lash out, fold, hide, disappear. I also want to persevere, love, laugh, create, contribute, and just be. It feels like being torn in two. It’s painful.
I wish for so much more. I am only capable of so much. Perhaps this is just my lot in life. It seems as though struggling in certain ways has always been an overarching theme to my life, why would this project be any different? No one has ever picked me up off the ground, told me its going to be ok, given me what I needed, and held my hand until I reached where I needed to be. I’ve always done it all myself. Here I am once more, I’m just intensely aware of the end result this time and it literally eats away at me sometimes.
The fact is that I can never lose myself. Much easier said than done. I may momentarily forget about her, but I always have to return to who I am at my core. It’s where my strength is, it’s where my grit is, it’s where my inner Andre the Giant is. That’s what everything I’ve been through has fundamentally taught me; the end-all be-all for me is that I’ve got an immense, unstoppable, warrior’s spirit force within me. It’s why I’m still alive. I’m beyond grateful for it.
I hesitate to call myself a fighter because the connotations don’t necessarily fit my personality, but I will fight these feelings and press on. I can accept them, they can run their course. But I will commit to myself and to the fight by making an internal pledge to cease looking around me, comparing myself and my successes to everyone else. It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t have right now because it will come as long as I never give up. I commit to accepting my situation as it is and allowing the growth of my project to come to fruition as fast as I am able to make it happen. Or as slow as it needs to happen because there’s only so much I can do.
In the end I know in my heart, mind, and soul that I absolutely refuse to concede. There’s a fire inside me, where I know that as long as I keep breathing, and returning to the savior within myself that is my warrior’s spirit, no one and nothing will ever stop me. It may take me forever, I’ll still have bad days, but I will make it happen no matter what, everyone else around me be damned. This is my path and I’m going to forge it the best I can. Along the way I commit to myself to inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
Peace, love, and wellness.